Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
