I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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