He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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