Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
