Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
