note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
