Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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