well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
