Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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