dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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