I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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