drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Randomize
