Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize