I puked a lego.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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