Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
