Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
