Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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