I accidentally burped into my bong.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
