Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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