Jerry, you need to find god
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
