His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
