Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
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My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
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