I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
