i just sent this text using only my big toe
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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