Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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