You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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