I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
