the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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