Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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