dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
