I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
