Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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