you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
