All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
