This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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