so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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