A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
