right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
