So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
