It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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