fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
