I want to make a zoo with you.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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