If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
