the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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