I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
