Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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