now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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