Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
