I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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