my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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