You smell like a Billy Joel song
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Boobs speak an international language.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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