We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
