FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
