Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
vagina is talking i cant
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
