martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
