So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
