My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
